Ok, the holidays are finally over and a new year is upon us.I am hoping that my tolerance and patience aren't tested too much this year, but I am sure I will be tested everyday. Hell, while I am sitting here I am being tested by my surroundings. The television is on (which is about to change) with commercials on that support very materialistic lifestyles, the cats are making the house stink, my daughter insists on being nosy and demanding, my husband is asleep and it seems like I am the only one that seems to be bothered by the state of the house. Yeah, I am frustrated.
     
       I think the one thing that frustrates me the most is my husband's health. My husband has Multiple Sclerosis and I am his caregiver. Now, he can walk and take care of himself more or less. He does need someone here to make sure he doesn't fall and hurt himself and to make sure he eats and other things. I used to work, but he kept falling when I was gone and our daughter would freak out since she was only about 5 or 6 and she couldn't help her daddy. My son isn't always here to help since he spends time with his father throughout the week, then he comes here (but now that he is in college and has a much more involved social and love life, I barely see him at all). My husband sleeps a lot now and when he is awake, he is at this computer writing. Yeah, he is writing a book and hoping that this book will be the end of our financial struggle. I am just so happy that he is able to do something creative and satisfying.
 
        So, what can I do to help with my frustration? I started practicing with a roller derby team. I am not physically fit and I don't have fantastic self esteem, but derby has helped me a bit. I like being around other people and I do like skating, even though I am bad at both. I am not very open with people and I am not very social. I want to help out how ever I can because I am a helper, but I also feel like I am not good enough to be on that floor with those girls. I am also very weird about going anywhere by myself to practice and I don't have the money to skate at a rink all the time nor do I have the money to buy outdoor wheels to skate for free outside or have the money to buy new indoor wheels. I would love to go to a park and walk all over the place, but I want company. My husband can't walk with me, he can't stand for more that 5 minutes at a time and he can't walk for more than a minute before he starts to fall. There are derby girls that live in this general area, but they work or have other people they work out with. Like I said, I am not a very social person.
  
         I know what it is, I am not social because I feel like no one would want to be around me very long after talking to me. I seem to be either too honest or just weird. I don't like it when someone complains about superficial things and thinks I am supposed to just agree with them. I also have a little problem with being the girl people tell their secrets and fears to only to be shut down when I start to share those things with these people. I stupidly think that since someone is sharing these personal things with, that means we are friends that share things with one another. Oh no, WRONG!! I am supposed to be the one that just listens and not give my opinion or share my experiences. You would  think that if you told someone your fears and secrets to, you would at least be a bit more polite to someone that could potentially forget what they said was a "secret", whatever.

         Anyway, I am not all that bad and I don't always complain about how hard my life seems to be. I am happy with my husband and family. If anyone thinks that life is a bowl of cherries and everyone should be super happy, I think they are disillusioned. Life and nature is a balance of all emotions and experiences. I have good days and bad. I even have days that have no real emotional out bursts or significance. I am a human being that wants to be happy and carefree, but I know that that will take a lot of work.