Meh

Today I am feeling a bit better than I was during that last entry. I have been very tired, but I have always been one to just fall asleep if I stay still too long, except for during bouts of insomnia. I prefer to lay down all the time, because I am just lazy I guess. Anyway, today was fairly uneventful.

All in all, I am a pretty dull person, I think. I like to do things that tend to not involve other people. I like reading, crafting, playing video games, watching movies or shows, listening to a lot of music, etc. I don't really leave the house unless I need to go to work, or run errands necessary for taking care of the household. I have also found that I hate hearing my messenger sound go off, unless it's Daddy sending me a message. I cringe when I hear that *ding*.

Yes, I said Daddy. I have a Daddy, not a biological father figure, a Daddy Dom. I can't see myself wanting a boyfriend right now, but I love being his Little. We have unstable moments, but that's something I am willing to put up with. There is comfort in the familiarity of our dysfunctional, long distance game that we play with one another.  I see it as something way more serious than a game, but let's be real, he says he doesn't want to be a boyfriend, but it's hard for us to stay away from one another, well, online that is, I guess. I don't know, I am fine with what's happening. I admit that I want it to blossom to something way more serious, and I have told him that, but I am also willing to just ride this out, and see what happens. I know that it could lead to heartbreak, but who knows. Life is way to short to just play it safe all of the time.

Well, I am tired and I guess I should lay down for a minute.

Lost

I have been feeling very sad lately, as usual, but it's going into the suicidal area as of late. I deleted a bunch of my stuff because I'm just like that. I get upset, I vent, I walk away. Recently I have been thinking about Brandon a lot. I miss him so much. I tried to move on, but I can't. I don't want to hear from people that haven't had this kind of loss tell me how everything will be ok and things will get better. You don't know if you haven't been through it. I lost my best friend. I lost the best husband you could have ever wanted. He was a wonderful human being that people loved to talk to and be around, and he chose me to spend all of his time with. He loved me. He wanted to make me happy and safe, and comfortable. He put up with my mood swings and erratic behavior, and held me when I got out of hand, knowing that that's what I needed and wanted. Now, I just want to sleep. I am only breathing because of my children. If I didn't have kids, I would never wake again. I would end it all.

Since the last time I did anything here, a lot has happened. My husband can no longer walk, speak, or sit up. He is bedbound and cannot be left alone for long periods of time. He also had a peg tube put in since he has been aspirating while eating and drinking. His mind is still there,it's his body that has decided to quit. It's been hard,but I love him too much to quit. Everyday I remember how hard it was, but I survived. It keeps me optimistic.
    What's sad is I don't even remember when I started this draft, but I can tell you things are different now. My husband died in July 2017. MS is not something to be casual about or think that everything will be just fine. I did not know that pneumonia was the major thing that would kill an MS patient.
   Anyway, this has been one of the hardest years of my life, and I have been through a lot. I lost my best friend. I lost my soulmate. I lost the only person who has ever loved me fully, flaws and all. And given my rough upbringing, I have been shown that I am stronger than I ever could have imagined. I have not attempted suicide, or drowned my sorrows in a bottle. I keep my head up, and hope that I will find another companion that is just as compassionate and strong as he was.
   He may have been the one that was disabled, but he was my caregiver while he could be. That man was one of the purest people I have ever known. Hell, his friends could even tell you how saintly and fantastic that man was. He knew how to listen, really listen. He wasn't waiting to tell you you were wrong, or to point out weaknesses in your logic or soul. He wanted to hear how you said your words so that he could fully understand why you were in pain, feeling happiness, needing help, etc. He wanted to celebrate with you, or show you that you were loved, and taken seriously. He could also joke with the best of them, he loved to laugh, smile, smoke his cigarettes and drink his sweet tea, or Mt. Dew or coffee. He knew when I was hurt, why, and how if I pushed him away, I always came back to him. He gave me my space, and never judged me for needing it. How am I going to find that again?
    I may come back to this and just rant like I normally would. I don't know.