Meh

Today I am feeling a bit better than I was during that last entry. I have been very tired, but I have always been one to just fall asleep if I stay still too long, except for during bouts of insomnia. I prefer to lay down all the time, because I am just lazy I guess. Anyway, today was fairly uneventful.

All in all, I am a pretty dull person, I think. I like to do things that tend to not involve other people. I like reading, crafting, playing video games, watching movies or shows, listening to a lot of music, etc. I don't really leave the house unless I need to go to work, or run errands necessary for taking care of the household. I have also found that I hate hearing my messenger sound go off, unless it's Daddy sending me a message. I cringe when I hear that *ding*.

Yes, I said Daddy. I have a Daddy, not a biological father figure, a Daddy Dom. I can't see myself wanting a boyfriend right now, but I love being his Little. We have unstable moments, but that's something I am willing to put up with. There is comfort in the familiarity of our dysfunctional, long distance game that we play with one another.  I see it as something way more serious than a game, but let's be real, he says he doesn't want to be a boyfriend, but it's hard for us to stay away from one another, well, online that is, I guess. I don't know, I am fine with what's happening. I admit that I want it to blossom to something way more serious, and I have told him that, but I am also willing to just ride this out, and see what happens. I know that it could lead to heartbreak, but who knows. Life is way to short to just play it safe all of the time.

Well, I am tired and I guess I should lay down for a minute.

Lost

I have been feeling very sad lately, as usual, but it's going into the suicidal area as of late. I deleted a bunch of my stuff because I'm just like that. I get upset, I vent, I walk away. Recently I have been thinking about Brandon a lot. I miss him so much. I tried to move on, but I can't. I don't want to hear from people that haven't had this kind of loss tell me how everything will be ok and things will get better. You don't know if you haven't been through it. I lost my best friend. I lost the best husband you could have ever wanted. He was a wonderful human being that people loved to talk to and be around, and he chose me to spend all of his time with. He loved me. He wanted to make me happy and safe, and comfortable. He put up with my mood swings and erratic behavior, and held me when I got out of hand, knowing that that's what I needed and wanted. Now, I just want to sleep. I am only breathing because of my children. If I didn't have kids, I would never wake again. I would end it all.