Meh

Today I am feeling a bit better than I was during that last entry. I have been very tired, but I have always been one to just fall asleep if I stay still too long, except for during bouts of insomnia. I prefer to lay down all the time, because I am just lazy I guess. Anyway, today was fairly uneventful.

All in all, I am a pretty dull person, I think. I like to do things that tend to not involve other people. I like reading, crafting, playing video games, watching movies or shows, listening to a lot of music, etc. I don't really leave the house unless I need to go to work, or run errands necessary for taking care of the household. I have also found that I hate hearing my messenger sound go off, unless it's Daddy sending me a message. I cringe when I hear that *ding*.

Yes, I said Daddy. I have a Daddy, not a biological father figure, a Daddy Dom. I can't see myself wanting a boyfriend right now, but I love being his Little. We have unstable moments, but that's something I am willing to put up with. There is comfort in the familiarity of our dysfunctional, long distance game that we play with one another.  I see it as something way more serious than a game, but let's be real, he says he doesn't want to be a boyfriend, but it's hard for us to stay away from one another, well, online that is, I guess. I don't know, I am fine with what's happening. I admit that I want it to blossom to something way more serious, and I have told him that, but I am also willing to just ride this out, and see what happens. I know that it could lead to heartbreak, but who knows. Life is way to short to just play it safe all of the time.

Well, I am tired and I guess I should lay down for a minute.

Lost

I have been feeling very sad lately, as usual, but it's going into the suicidal area as of late. I deleted a bunch of my stuff because I'm just like that. I get upset, I vent, I walk away. Recently I have been thinking about Brandon a lot. I miss him so much. I tried to move on, but I can't. I don't want to hear from people that haven't had this kind of loss tell me how everything will be ok and things will get better. You don't know if you haven't been through it. I lost my best friend. I lost the best husband you could have ever wanted. He was a wonderful human being that people loved to talk to and be around, and he chose me to spend all of his time with. He loved me. He wanted to make me happy and safe, and comfortable. He put up with my mood swings and erratic behavior, and held me when I got out of hand, knowing that that's what I needed and wanted. Now, I just want to sleep. I am only breathing because of my children. If I didn't have kids, I would never wake again. I would end it all.

Since the last time I did anything here, a lot has happened. My husband can no longer walk, speak, or sit up. He is bedbound and cannot be left alone for long periods of time. He also had a peg tube put in since he has been aspirating while eating and drinking. His mind is still there,it's his body that has decided to quit. It's been hard,but I love him too much to quit. Everyday I remember how hard it was, but I survived. It keeps me optimistic.
    What's sad is I don't even remember when I started this draft, but I can tell you things are different now. My husband died in July 2017. MS is not something to be casual about or think that everything will be just fine. I did not know that pneumonia was the major thing that would kill an MS patient.
   Anyway, this has been one of the hardest years of my life, and I have been through a lot. I lost my best friend. I lost my soulmate. I lost the only person who has ever loved me fully, flaws and all. And given my rough upbringing, I have been shown that I am stronger than I ever could have imagined. I have not attempted suicide, or drowned my sorrows in a bottle. I keep my head up, and hope that I will find another companion that is just as compassionate and strong as he was.
   He may have been the one that was disabled, but he was my caregiver while he could be. That man was one of the purest people I have ever known. Hell, his friends could even tell you how saintly and fantastic that man was. He knew how to listen, really listen. He wasn't waiting to tell you you were wrong, or to point out weaknesses in your logic or soul. He wanted to hear how you said your words so that he could fully understand why you were in pain, feeling happiness, needing help, etc. He wanted to celebrate with you, or show you that you were loved, and taken seriously. He could also joke with the best of them, he loved to laugh, smile, smoke his cigarettes and drink his sweet tea, or Mt. Dew or coffee. He knew when I was hurt, why, and how if I pushed him away, I always came back to him. He gave me my space, and never judged me for needing it. How am I going to find that again?
    I may come back to this and just rant like I normally would. I don't know.

Oh it never ends

I love my children, I really do. I do not like a lot of things that they decide is appropriate at times. My daughter has been told that until she can get her homework done right (meaning remembering to BRING IT HOME TO BEGIN WITH and complete it) she isn't allowed on the computer unless it has to do with her homework. This child has talked to me about this damn project for a week and has not put anything on paper, even though she has been on the computer "researching". Today I exploded and lo and behold, I get a rough draft finally!! What the hell?? It is not ok to give me a stress related illness just because you don't want to do your damn homework that consists mainly of one of the things you love the most, drawing. I hate feeling this grumpy.

Any way, I need to find something to do with myself. I have knitted 2 dice bags already and I think I am about to crochet some lady gloves.

Ok, I am not good at keeping up with things. I forgot that I even had this blog page,lol. My husband has finished his first book and has self published it through Amazon, but has recently signed on with an independent publishing group. His book is titled Aethernaught  Chronicles: Prometheus Unchained by J.B. Murphy.
 I am very excited for him since he has worked very hard on his book and is now working on the sequel to it and working on 2 other books. I don't know how he does it. I am having trouble thinking about what to put in this blog,lol.

Ok, so here is one of my new obsessions:Korean culture. I have been watching a Korean reality show called Roommates. It has been so refreshing compared to American reality shows. There is actually a sense of team work, family and cooperation. I really don't want to watch people back stabbing and trying to have one night stands all over the place.

Oooh, I have also been watching Korean Dramas like Rooftop Prince, The Great Doctor/Faith, and Arang and the Magistrate (I like this one since it deals with the supernatural). I have been watching so many Korean programs that I have been dreaming in Korean and I don't know what's happening since there are no subtitles,lol.

I need to figure out what to do with this here blog. Recipes? Crafts?  Adventures in my world? Adventures,lol, it would be more like what I did that day I suppose and me leaving the house is an adventure to me since I don't leave that often,lol.

     Ok, the holidays are finally over and a new year is upon us.I am hoping that my tolerance and patience aren't tested too much this year, but I am sure I will be tested everyday. Hell, while I am sitting here I am being tested by my surroundings. The television is on (which is about to change) with commercials on that support very materialistic lifestyles, the cats are making the house stink, my daughter insists on being nosy and demanding, my husband is asleep and it seems like I am the only one that seems to be bothered by the state of the house. Yeah, I am frustrated.
     
       I think the one thing that frustrates me the most is my husband's health. My husband has Multiple Sclerosis and I am his caregiver. Now, he can walk and take care of himself more or less. He does need someone here to make sure he doesn't fall and hurt himself and to make sure he eats and other things. I used to work, but he kept falling when I was gone and our daughter would freak out since she was only about 5 or 6 and she couldn't help her daddy. My son isn't always here to help since he spends time with his father throughout the week, then he comes here (but now that he is in college and has a much more involved social and love life, I barely see him at all). My husband sleeps a lot now and when he is awake, he is at this computer writing. Yeah, he is writing a book and hoping that this book will be the end of our financial struggle. I am just so happy that he is able to do something creative and satisfying.
 
        So, what can I do to help with my frustration? I started practicing with a roller derby team. I am not physically fit and I don't have fantastic self esteem, but derby has helped me a bit. I like being around other people and I do like skating, even though I am bad at both. I am not very open with people and I am not very social. I want to help out how ever I can because I am a helper, but I also feel like I am not good enough to be on that floor with those girls. I am also very weird about going anywhere by myself to practice and I don't have the money to skate at a rink all the time nor do I have the money to buy outdoor wheels to skate for free outside or have the money to buy new indoor wheels. I would love to go to a park and walk all over the place, but I want company. My husband can't walk with me, he can't stand for more that 5 minutes at a time and he can't walk for more than a minute before he starts to fall. There are derby girls that live in this general area, but they work or have other people they work out with. Like I said, I am not a very social person.
  
         I know what it is, I am not social because I feel like no one would want to be around me very long after talking to me. I seem to be either too honest or just weird. I don't like it when someone complains about superficial things and thinks I am supposed to just agree with them. I also have a little problem with being the girl people tell their secrets and fears to only to be shut down when I start to share those things with these people. I stupidly think that since someone is sharing these personal things with, that means we are friends that share things with one another. Oh no, WRONG!! I am supposed to be the one that just listens and not give my opinion or share my experiences. You would  think that if you told someone your fears and secrets to, you would at least be a bit more polite to someone that could potentially forget what they said was a "secret", whatever.

         Anyway, I am not all that bad and I don't always complain about how hard my life seems to be. I am happy with my husband and family. If anyone thinks that life is a bowl of cherries and everyone should be super happy, I think they are disillusioned. Life and nature is a balance of all emotions and experiences. I have good days and bad. I even have days that have no real emotional out bursts or significance. I am a human being that wants to be happy and carefree, but I know that that will take a lot of work.